i dont even know whos still on here but im posting here because i know the fewest amount of people will see it. and im not even posting it for people to see, i just need to get this out there:
uhhhhhhhgghhhhh
siiiiiiiiiiggghh
ahaha
anyway, honestly, i miss being intimate with a girl man. i miss caring about some one so much that you dont need words or texts or phone calls or deep conversations to care about them. you just have to hold them, hold their hand, look them in the eyes. i really miss that for some reason. i miss caring for one person so deeply.
of course i care about everyone a lot, but in caring for a lot of people, in reality, you lose that sense of intimacy and you get spread pretty wide (not thin, wide) you cover a lot of ground. what i miss is concentrating so much love on one person. i miss, not giving my entire self, but giving my entire essence and nature to some one.
whats the difference? i always try to give all of myself to everyone so that i can help them become better people and in turn also learn about myself, but when i can give my essence and nature to some one, im loving them so much that i let them begin to take a part of my definition, shape my existence. i let them shape who i become. i miss that trust and love in one human, physical person.
there's always jesus, yes, who i have allowed to transform me in everyday living and define me, but i miss the human intimacy. i miss trusting a human completely with all that i am, giving them the keys to my soul. literally. i miss the beautiful risk of trusting an imperfect human with changing me. that risk is a human love that i could never give to God for i know he is perfect.
aka Urbana-Champaign @ the University of Illinois in the form of the 15th Nat'l CFC Youth Leaders Conference
aka Antioch and Chicago @ a couple of basements and hour-long train rides in the form of the 2nd Nat'l SHOUT Leaders Retreat
a whole bunch o' news for everyone before I call it a night:
This past week has been stunning (if I were forced to describe it, which, in this case, I am). I wasn't exactly feeling the power of Conference like past years, although I did notice I was more open to my fellow attendees and there was definitely more bonding with each other, I failed to really feel it with God. Sans one worship which I feel I cannot really go into detail. It was another great experience and I can genuinely say I had load of fun and enjoyment- without really being there for the right reasons. I was slighty perturbed by somethings. Trivial bits that irked me and kept my off my game a bit. But we move on, right? After all, the theme was "Moving Forward".
Highlights: -basketball (is back!), lost to Canada, felt guilty -dodgeball (manager?) -cemetery -seeing old faces -carrying around/selling tshirts -gatorades/java monsters -gabby and buttcheeks and andrews jackson
Now, I finally got my break from everything when I made my leave for SHOUT. I could finally escape this town of Tampa and be immersed in holiness for a little bit. The moment I left for Antioch, I could feel a great weight lifting my shoulders. I can't really explain SHOUT to anyone who wasn't there, but if you were, you know what I mean. I'm trying hard to generalize it into the categories of "incredible" or "amazing" because I choose not to deteroriate its effect on me. Anyway. you don't really wanna hear any of this, so I'm done.
Highlights: -HA. thats funny.
But seriously... I was praying this whole week about where God is really calling me, and I really feel like I belong in the Philippines. My mom wants me at USF but I really dont want to right now. If I stay here for a sem, I will have no motivation or no goal. Just emptiness. I would rather work and read/study on my own and help around the house and continue practice and workouts. I really want to be in the Philippines. You have no idea. Everything leads to there. At least prayerwise... It all works out. It really does. I'm being pulled there by God. I just have to put in the work to fufill the will of God. I have so many opportunities there. And so much to desire for. It truly is there in the Philippines that I belong. Now, am I willing to sacrifce and dedicate my work to this? There is tons of work for me to complete and I still have a lot of maturing to do, as well as stepping up and out to do. For that, I continue to pray. I also wish that I could explain this feeling to my family. I never really show it, but I really want this. I think my family sees me as a weak individual who's simply misguided and is unwilling to work on it. But I really do have a goal. I'm just very scared of rejection and confronting those I really care about. I would love to just sit them down and talk them through it, because I really need their help, but I'm terrified. I just am.
Gahh, sorry. That was way too long. Total rant/emotional spill going down there. It's late for me now.
i think i like it better than xanga? gasp i use this more for reading, the other more for writing now but i shall try to update this everyonceinawile
anyway... before the series i said lakers in six but right now its lookin like lakers in five
anyone see hedo's block on kobe? great block totally embarrassing ahaha
also... life is full of surprises. i love it. see my blog. but that wasnt the surprise i was talking about im just talking about more surprises. i love the mystery around people. and im sorry i ever judged people.
for starters, im glad i learned home row typing because i can barely see my keyboard at 3.30 in the morning, and so far, i havent had to press backspakce in order to type this. <--- note the error.
anyway, on the topic of growing up wow im gonna try to write music again my mind is stirring so grow up
aspects of my life (in no particular order): God and YFC, Girls, Friends, Basketball, School, Goals, General Things
God and YFC - 2008 It was probably the tougher year of my life as a businessman of loving. Being thrusted into a 'leader' position opened my eyes to the importance of prayer time and personal spirituality, but nothing really happened. And so, I often found myself suffering the consequences and still only talking about it. I missed out on so much this year. This was supposed to be my year to help the community, and all I did was pretty much completely fail it. 2009 I hope this year is better. I want to better trust my teammates and delegate more work to them, so that I dont hurt myself or the community. I want build a stronger reliance on my community and therefore let them lead, rather than me just trying to do everything. I need to pray. If anyone reads this, tell me to pray whenever you have the time. I need to get over the month of January, with basketball, graduation requirements, etc... I dont know what im going to do ahaha, but I am going to have to fight pretty damn hard this time.
Girls - 2008 HA. I learned what it meant to help a person out. I realized the importance of listening, and what caring for someone can do for them. It took me a while to get used to the whole situation, and to tap my own agenda, but it was well worth it. I also learned the value of confidence, yet humilty; trying to really help and understand another person. 2009 Started out EXCELLENT. I just need to go by my rules and her rules, and everything will be the way its supposed to be. I need to listen and value her opinions, as well as communicate openly. Dont be afraid of confrontation and learn to resolute. I think the key would be just to communicate on a more personal, and effective level. As well as showing genuine care and privalege in being with her.
Friends - 2008 In school especially, I underestimated how close I was actually becoming to my friends, but I never really wanted to acknowledge it. I think its kinda cool actually, ahaha and Im looking forward to my final semester with them. As for the filipinos friends, it was smooth through the summer, but along came school again. I felt like I lost a lotta time with my friends, but getting to see my friends grow up has been a real blessing. 2009 I want to open up more. I also want to help more, and possibly be less of a jerk. I just happen to be a strong advocate of the tough love method, but Im trying to help people. I think opening up myself more will allow others to open up to me, and so I can better understand other situations and circumstances. I want to genuinely care about my friends more. Make it a priority to make them a priority by talking to them and listening.
Basketball 2008 Dude, no lie I was ballin this year. Summer League with the filipinos, I was killing it. Conditioning I did well, started getting minutes. It was a good basketball year actually. Im really pleased with it. Although it did start to overtake my life. 2009 I want to be good enough, but I want my priorities to be in order. Im trying to make time for basketball, because Im actually starting to fit in, but God is calling me for Camp, I dont know what to do. It sucks. But I do plan on dunking before I graduate.
